Attack of the Boobies by M. David Lutz

Attack of the Boobies

by M. David Lutz on January 22, 2007

Note: Soon you will realize this story is

not about birds. I hope you will also

understand why I chose to picture a

pair of Boobies, as opposed to a

picture of Jo’s boobies...

Jo is not a stereotypical blonde. She could be best described as a cross between Martha Steward and Hillary Clinton, stuffed into the body of Dolly Parton. Those who know her could accuse her personality of being on steroids.

She tends to over do things. If there is such a being as a Booby Fairy, that little girls pray to every night, Jo must have put in a lot of overtime. Talk about outstanding features - if her boobies were any bigger she would have to have a walker just to get around.

It’s generally accepted, mainly by men, that there is no such thing as too much money, sex, beer, or boobies. However due to a recent near fatal accident Jo had to undergo a radical boobie-ectomy and the following are the facts in the case according to the police report, had there been one.

Every morning Jo goes jogging, as she is known to do every morning unless she doesn’t. She takes her Rotten-whiler with her, named Buttkiss. However, before she begins she has to secure her bodacious Ta Ta’s in a super support bra made by Goodyear with the reinforced steel belt. Jo claimed she was on the last leg of a 20-mile jog, which had only taken her 30 minutes, when the trouble began.

Since Jo only has a 10-mile bladder she started dashing to the house at full speed when the unthinkable happened. Her support bra blew out and those mammoth mammarys burst forth before she could come to a safe stop. The behemoth bosoms began beating her about the head and shoulders until she was rendered unconscious. Thank goodness one of the tenacious titties got wrapped around her knees and she went head over heels into a ditch. While she lied there, Buttkiss stood guard over her. It may have looked like he was sitting there licking his privates but that’s how he likes to stand guard and besides who’s going to go up and stop him?

When the authorities arrived on the scene their first thought, and you can’t blame them, was that Jo had been involved in a hit-and-run. The cops quickly secured the area and strung yellow caution tape over a three-mile radius. There were flares in the road, helicopters overhead, and several crotch-sniffing dogs. Then the Traffic Accident Analysis Expert Type people (don’t know their actual name) showed up with the FBI and they decided they needed to re-enact the crime.

They hauled Jo out of the ditch, shaking her until she came to her senses or at least as close to whatever senses she had ever come to. They asked her to re-enact the events just before the mishap. She went down the road about a mile and ran back to the crime scene once again at full speed. After she had broken free of all the yellow caution tape her pace picked up and as she came across the police line, like before, her breasts began bludgeoning her without bias. It took four policeman, struggling, groping, and a bit of fondling over an hour before they managed to wrestle those wily whoppers under wraps, finally arresting the pummeling pair. Then Jo and the cops settled back for a cigarette and had a good laugh over the whole thing.

Since modern engineering has not been able to devise a support bra to withstand the massive load of Jo’s boobs. Goodyear has since put out a warning on their sports bras stating that there is a 20 pound load limit per cup and exceeding this could result in excessive wear and possible deflation; of the bra – not the boobs.

Jo and her doctor, wanting to error on the side of caution - unanimously decided on a sex change. Wait, I think Jo said the insurance would not pay for that and she had to settle for a breast reduction. It was either that or give up jogging which is what I would have done. By the way if you ever see me running, you’d better call 911 because either I’ve committed a crime or someone is chasing me with a knife.

Technically, it wasn’t a Breast Reduction but a Breasts Reduction, Booby Bob, or the medical term, Hooter Honing. when she first told her husband she was planning to get rid of some boob, he was understandably upset because he thought she was talking about him. While some women have none to spare, Jo’s reduction left more boobs then most women would ever see in a lifetime.

After the surgery, the hospital discharged her. Ever notice when it comes to something foul, gross, and disgusting comes out of the body or the military its called a discharge? Anyway the hospital had a new policy much like the used car industry. The hospital sends you home right after major surgery and if you don’t die from complications before you reach your house they are no longer liable.

Having watched several hours of ‘Law & Order,’ Jo wisely decided to begin bleeding to death in the McDonalds’ Drive-thru before she reached her house. She had not been allowed to eat for like four days before the surgery so she must have been delirious with hunger, which would explain why she was at McDonalds. Wouldn’t it be ironic if the last thing she ate before her death was a Happy Meal?

I’m particularly partial to Mickey D’s myself but it is not worth dying over. It was a good thing she was ordering a regular menu item otherwise she would no longer be with us. When her husband, Mickey saw all the blood he turned into Starsky (of Hutch) and drove her, along with two octogenarians under the bumper, to the hospital. It sure was fortunate for those old folks Mickey was going to the hospital when he ran them over.

After the hospital verified that Jo had never actually made it to her residence they were forced to honor their warranty and fixed the leaks for free. I think they used some kind of radiator patch to plug the holes.

Jo said when she looks down now she can see if her shoes match her dress. The best part according to her is that she now is sporting 20 year-old boobies on a 40 year old chassis. However, since streamlining her boobs, her belly has now become her most outstanding feature and is scheduled for a tummy tuck.

M. David Lutz

Just for Laughs

"Writing is easy . . . Writing Good Ain't"